With the ‘Just Ice?’ Symposium less than a week away, we note the personal reflections of a family member who courageously shares their own experiences and those of their family when someone close became addicted.
Early signs
I noticed signs that something wasn’t right long before we found out about the drug use. I never noticed the highs, just the lows. As a result, I misinterpreted what I observed as depression. Our family member was working away a lot and we would only see him every few weeks. When he was home, he displayed typical signs of mental health issues. He lacked motivation, struggled to cope with everyday activities, was irritable and participated less and less in family life. We had many conversations about depression and that there’s help out there but he wasn’t open to the idea of seeking support. The highs were never obvious, I think partly because he was mostly high while working away from the family and the longer the use of ice continued the less ‘high’ he got. In the end, high just meant functioning, being able to get out of bed. In hindsight, all the signs of withdrawal symptoms after ice use were there and got gradually worse but we completely misinterpreted them.
I was convinced our family member was clinically depressed. There were many days when he wouldn’t get out of bed and at times we were concerned that he might be suicidal. Eventually, these come downs were accompanied by drug-induced psychotic episodes. It was incredibly difficult supporting someone who wasn’t open to the idea of getting help but had gotten to a point where family alone couldn’t support it anymore. In hindsight, it all made perfect sense. The type of support we recommended didn’t match the problem and the family member by then had spiralled so far into a web of lies and deceit that it was probably too hard to be forthcoming about a drug use he no longer had under control.
Impact on family members
Initially it was the strain of trying to support someone who became more and more withdrawn from family life. Once we discovered the real reason for what we thought were mental health issues, things escalated fairly quickly. Our family member went from being a functioning addict who smoked ice and held down a job to an unemployed, homeless, IV ice user within six months. One of the hardest parts was to come to terms with having to watch someone you love throw away their life and there’s nothing you can do unless the other person wants to do it themselves. The other was coming to terms with the fact that ice has the capacity to turn a kind and caring person into a highly volatile, aggressive and ugly persona that has no resemblance with the family member you knew.
I have learned a lot about addiction during this process and I now understand that addiction knows no boundaries and that manipulation and betrayal eventually just becomes part of the addict’s performance but there’s something about ice that is particularly hideous. We have experienced months of chaos, crisis and safety concerns that have had an impact on everyone involved. It impacts on children who have no concept or understanding of why a parent turns into an unpredictable stranger. It impacts on partners who have to set boundaries to protect themselves and their children while at the same time trying not to give up on the other person. It impacts on parents and siblings who constantly find themselves between wanting to support without wanting to enable and wanting to set boundaries without being at the receiving end of their child or sibling’s hatred.
Support available
One thing I noticed throughout this process is the lack of support for family and friends of people struggling with ice addiction (and I suspect most types of addiction more generally). I am a well-educated, resourceful person. I work in an area through which I know different support and service systems. I understand how different systems work, how to seek help, where to get a referral and so forth. And I struggled. I often wondered how the average family ever navigates their way through finding support for addiction – for themselves as much as for an affected family member. I started with the obvious points of information, like the family GP and ATODS. Both referred to one particular public rehab provider and a national family support hotline. I can’t recall how many times I’ve tried to ring the family support hotline – during sleepless nights, on weekend or weekdays. I’ve never been able to get through; suggesting that the demand for family support by far exceeds availability of support. I then started ringing anyone from public and private hospitals, to drug and alcohol services and mental health services. Many referred to the same public rehab service, some eventually came up with other alternatives. However, nobody had much to offer in terms of family support and the general message was clear: ‘you can’t help the addict, the addict needs to help themselves’.
Decisions of the ice user
Our family member has sought assistance. This has probably been the steepest learning curve from a family perspective. Judging by the few facilities that offer long-term, residential rehab from ice use available along with their often lengthy wait lists, there seems to be a clear shortage of suitable treatment facilities. We’ve had a variety of treatment experiences. The first one did not last because the family member left in order to use again. We’ve had other treatment experiences that did not go ahead because the family member got himself onto the waitlist at a time he was open to change but weeks later when a spot became available, that mind frame was gone.
We’ve had treatment experiences with a service provider with a strict ‘no second chances’ policy where rescheduling a missed appointment wasn’t an option after the original intake appointment had not been attended. We’ve had treatment experiences where the service provider eventually had a detox bed but no rehab bed to transition straight into after detox. After being sent ‘home’ (a home he no longer had) our family member lasted three days before relapsing. At the moment he’s in long-term residential rehab again with a service provider we only found by chance. Neither the GP, the hospitals, the mental health services nor other drug and alcohol services I had contacted and asked about other options of support in the Southeast Qld area mentioned this service provider. It was only by chance in a work context that someone mentioned this particular facility and we looked it up and they had a bed available a couple of weeks later. It is early days and based on everything I have seen in our family and read in terms of clinical research and recovery accounts I realise that ice is a hideous and highly addictive drug and only few chronic addicts ever recover permanently.
Advice for other families
It’s been the steepest learning curve so far. I knew next to nothing about addiction prior to this experience. It’s been challenging supporting a loved one without enabling their behaviour. In my experience this is where support and information is crucial for family members. Family members are informal sources of support, not professionals. A few things that I have found surprising as much as concerning include the apparent lack of interest among service providers in working with families and the often nonchalant attitude of some service providers. During my early weeks of help-seeking I remember speaking to service providers who would say it wasn’t as bad as everyone said, that ice addicts recover, that it may take their brain 12 months to readjust but that overall most people will get off it again. Nobody mentioned that things were likely going to get quite ugly before they’d get anywhere near a pathway of recovery.
The other thing that struck me a few times is that drug and alcohol services would assure the addict that it’s absolutely safe to detox at home because withdrawal from ice has no physical side effects that require medication. Even in information or intake appointments with family members present. While this may be true, withdrawal from chronic ice use has various other side effects, including aggression, suicidal ideation and drug induced psychosis. Most families are not equipped or trained to monitor and support this process. These service providers seem to believe that no health risk to the addict equals no safety concerns for family offering a place to stay during the come down phase. In our experience I have to say it has always been the come down that brought out the ugly side. The highs may impact on the users’ judgement and may make them careless in certain ways but it seems to be the come down that makes the user angry and volatile. I’d therefore like to see a more differentiated response to ice addicts and their families. My concern is that when service providers tell the addict it is perfectly safe to detox at home, all the addict hears is that parents, partners or other family members are overreacting when telling him or her they can no longer offer a place to stay. Because in many cases this seems to be the only ‘home’ chronic ice users have left.
Unfortunately, I have little advice for family and friends. Dealing with the drug addiction of a loved one and having to watch what ice addiction does to a person has been one of the hardest experiences because family members are constantly torn between wanting to help, not wanting to be an enabler and having to protect themselves (and often dependent children) when things continue to escalate. I think more support is needed for families affected by someone’s ice addiction and with that comes the need for more funding into this area of support. One thing I would say to families is that it’s important to know that it’s ok to set boundaries but also ok to fail in that aim. I don’t think any family is comfortable watching a loved one heading towards hitting rock bottom.
The other thing I would like to raise is that there is no such things as the ‘typical ice user’ and that ice use affects not only the young and disenfranchised or the older ones with a life of trauma and dysfunction. In our example, our family member was a well-educated, employed father of two who owned his home and had a prosocial support network. When we started seeking help there was very little out there because most residential treatment is tailored towards high risk populations who are homeless and unemployed and most outpatient treatment does not address the needs of chronic users. It almost seems as if (ice) addiction isn’t taken seriously unless people hit rock bottom, which I personally found challenging but it may be the philosophy or evidence of drug and alcohol services that the addict isn’t ready to change until he or she has hit rock bottom. I wonder if addicts and their families really have to lose it all before they can be helped on their way towards recovery.
I probably have one last comment for potential users – DON’T. If the fact that ice is produced with ingredients we would usually not touch, let alone inhale or inject, isn’t a good enough reason to steer clear of this drug, the devastating impact it has on people’s lives needs to be. And that impact doesn’t just affect the users themselves. It affects everyone around them. Children lose their parent – either because they become emotionally unavailable or they pose too much of a risk. Parents lose their children – because once they start setting boundaries they also risk severing their relationship with the addicted child; at least temporarily. Friends and partners lose people close to them – because eventually the come downs become too exhausting and unpredictable to deal with. No matter how many drugs people have tried and no matter how many of them they had under control as a recreational user, ice seems to be different. The Australian government campaign saying ‘Ice destroys lives’ used to sound like a catchy phrase to me. Until we became one of many families where ice not only destroyed the life of the addict but also that of many around them.
Honestly been a parent of ice addicts it painfull to the addict as well as the family watching the person they love lose themselves to the control of ice.Caring about a family member control by ice is hard and honestly i have to learn as that parent as it makes parent feel as if they have failed somewhere. The drug invites lies, frustrations and denial to all that care . I would love some suggestion to make this road easier for the paren tof ice users
In 4 years of reading and learning everything I can to try and help my ice addicted husband this is the first time I’ve found something approximating my situation. My husband is also well educated, very successful in his business, father of two and much loved. He used to live in a very privileged suburb in a beautiful home with plenty of travel and treats of various kinds. The journey we’ve been on (7 years – 4 when we didn’t know what was going on and 3 or more when we’ve known) has been hellish. I agree the ‘come down’ has been the worst. I do not know how we’ve survived. At times it has been so terrible I thought we would all implode. But survive we have. He doesn’t live here any more. I want him home but he has hurt his children so much and they’ve grown up while he’s been missing in action so they don’t want him here. I have tried to help him through every permutation of rehab, counselling, treatment you could possibly imagine. I agree the fine line between enabling and helping is impossible to walk on many days. Amazingly he has held down his job. No way he would have if I wasn’t here holding it all together with string and chewing gum. He has a senior well rewarded position. He is a handsome, funny generous person but we only catch glimpses of all of those these days. There are physical scars as well as mental scars. In our long, long quest for help he has been diagnosed with ADHD and has now been prescribed pharmaceutical speed which seems to be working for him. There is so much work we need to do and now I am getting to an age when I wish we were enjoying the many benefits we can enjoy after a lifetime of hard work rather than starting to repair. But that’s life isn’t it?
Can anyone recommend a good rehab centre in qld that does not cost the earth
We have just discovered that our daughter 38 has been using ice. She came home to live with us 3 months ago and we have been to hell and back. She has been in financial trouble where it got to the stage that her home was going to become mortgagee in possession so we have paid all outstanding debts including cash converter loans. She had refused to see a medical professional until last week when she was advised that she needed to be admitted to Hospital which she refused and then she absconded. She was listed as a missing person and eventually was taken to Hospital in a paddy wagon. I guess for me I am struggling with all types of emotions as to understand how we got to this point. The trust is gone, I feel let down, betrayed, embarrassed and physically sick as I am so against drugs and the fact that it is illegal that my daughter would go down this path. We are hoping that things will get better for her but I have to admit that if I ever find out who these dealers and low life individuals are I will not hesitate in reporting them to the Police.
Hi, I can relate to what many people are saying here as my 29 year old son & his wife have been using Ice. They have two children. My son ended up in jail for six months, he got clean in jail, has recently been released, is living with his Mum (me) & showing positive signs of recovery. He has a long way to go. Can’t say the same for my daughter in law. Legal, financial problems…the stress is incredibly difficult. My grandkids live with their Mum, child protection services involved….this nightmare never seems to end. I have found a good support group…family drug support. They are Australia wide,look on their website. This group offers ways to cope, accurate information on drug addiction, group meetings, courses & a 24hr phone counseling service. I don’t have any answers or solutions, but support for the families is vital. I know it’s helped me.
is there any treatment facilities in Vic that are easy to get an ice addict into quickly that dont cost too much
Hi Linda
Saw your comment from a few years back. We are struggling with my daughter who’s on ice.
We are all feeling lost with it all. Did you find out if there was any affordable rehab centres.
Thank you
Sue.
We just found out my 37 year old sister, Mum if 3 is using ice. Her husband has relocated with the children for now while she either tries to get help or who knows…. not much help here either in south Australia. Yes there are places that the ice user can go to get clean, but they have to want to go voluntarily and have not used for 3 weeks. Nothing the police really do either except monitor her as she has been caught driving under the influence. It’s very frustrating and sad…. no idea where to start
Thank you so much for all your advice. I have recently separated from my partner of 7 years due to his ice addiction. I had a feeling something was not right for over a year. Little things at first such as staying out at friends places for the night and not coming home. Missing planned dates . Not being physically or mentally present even when our grandson was here. Finding he had been looking at dating sites and talking to other women. This is not my beautiful man that I knew. I still want to help him in every way possible. But feel I need to also take a step back to ensure the safety of our children. I have never taken drugs and have been trying to educate myself on why and how I missed this happening. All I can say to anyone thinking of trying ice . Please Please think twice this is not a recreational drug that you can just use once or twice. This drug will if it does not get you at first will eventually take everything you and your family, your loved once’s , and everything you hold dear.
I tried to help a friend as well and was told about a clinic in Toowoomba called Sunrise Way who are a little further away so it may be easier to get a bed, less of a wait. The user is in heavier and heavier denial and behaves in character disturbed ways, toxic to family and burning bridges left right and centre. I removed myself because I was putting myself in danger emotionally and this is no small or imagined thing. The article was very good to read. I ended up at QUIHN in Brisbane who are a free dual diagnosis facility. My friend avoided help and after significant effort I made a difficult decision to cut contact and attend to my own life. There comes a time when it seems stupid to be loyal to someone so disturbed and unwilling to try treatment. Great websites out there, addiction campuses, better health, so many. But the best thing is to go to groups organised by Quihn or similar, where families going thru this ordeal discuss what they have tried and done. There are no right answers and probably a tremendous number of families trying hard in the face of this terrible drug, I do wish it could be eradicated and laws were tougher on dealers etc, more funding for treatment facilities.
My daughter has been using ice and opioids off and on since she was 13…she’s now 21 and has a 3 yr old son who is not in her care now…as a single mother of 2 girls it’s been a huge struggle for me coping with her addiction..her anger and violence..I feel as though I have lost her..I see her struggles and want to protect her but know I can’t.. I have also struggled with the blame..blamed myself for the parenting..thinking it was my fault..how do you tell your 21 yo daughter to leave when she has nowhere else to go..
I’m truly sorry to hear this. My 23 year old son is using again. It’s tough to protect yourself and your other family members knowing that they have no where to go if you were to ask them to leave. Feeling helpless is an understatement.
I have discovered through court records that my daughter (55) has had appearances for positive response to methamphetamines whilst driving. She told me offences were alcohol related..not so. She has lost her drivers licence for a very long period.I suspect she tells lies about many things. My question is do I tell my son (54) my concerns about my daughter. My son lives close by…my daughter 300km away…Thanks Geoff
Thankyou to everyone for your comments on this very informative site. My heart goes out to each and every one of you that have commented. I hope things are improving for all. It’s a rocky road and a real roller-coaster ride.
My partner of 6 years has recently relapsed after not using our entire relationship. I’m torn between my love for him and my utter disgust for the drug he choses to keep using. We have 4 young children together. I don’t see a happy ending here.
Partner of 23 years has been a functioning ice addict for half of that time. What I have endured, and then condoned so the family unit stays together goes against every moral and value I stand for. An outsider would have no hesitation in saying leave. The escalation of late is the constant suicide threats and that it is all my fault for not giving him what he needs. His delusional thoughts and accusations of me are so incorrect and unfair but it has been my life for so long.
I am not even sure why I write this but to look at we are a normal family but that is so far from the truth. I have shielded my teenagers from the reality. Advice?
I read the comments and the details are so much like my own . I paid out thousands helping my son and his several partners and children with money clothes baby formula nappies etc . I didn’t even know what drug my son was using at first , later I learned his aunty became his power of attorney and she proceeded to help sell his house but placed his money into her own account used it for her various personal purchases. My son complained , took it to VCat and all the member wanted to say was that my son had capacity, not only did this highlight the stupidity of VCat members but also that the laws in the EPOA act are not upheld by VCat . His aunt a certified practicing accountant apparently did the same manoeuvre on her alcohol ridden brother , he died early she reaped the benefits coercing my son and his father into new wills before their demise . Now she’s taken out a family violence order against me bullshitting to to the idiot magistrate beguiled influenced because she an accountant . Many professional people out there in law , not one of them has critical thinking ability. I’m left a broken mum who tried to help used my own money and life to do it and his Aunty gets the credit and manages to successfully name me as having the wrong motive. Now she’s spreading rumours to my family that I have the wrong motives towards my son and that I refuse to talk to him his partners or my grandchildren. It’s so untrue and so unfair.
I found my partner of 8 years smoking ice and her addiction just spiralled out if control. Our son was only 7 months old when I found out and I was working alot of hours so didn’t catch on until I found her with a crack pipe in her hand smoking in the toilet. I tried to get her off it as I didn’t know what to do and she was a nurse too and I thought we could get ontop of this.
She was a ex heroin user before we met and had been on replacement medication for the entirety of our relationship except when I found she had relapsed twice to my knowledge and managed to get her back on the medication. I was stupid and naive to her addiction and love for drugs.
Anyway we ended up having a boy together and I really thought that would be the end of all that stuff. Stupid I know!
Now back to the ice addiction. She ended up shooting it up and had left me for a drug dealer and criminal while I have our son full time. She wants to get him and be back in his life but until she gets clean and leaves that lifestyle I won’t let her back in to our lives.
I met a guy on an online gay website who was in rehab at the time at Sunrise Way. Not being a drug user, I was naive as to how addictive ice. It took 6 months for us to meet. We have been together for just 4 difficult months but it feels like 4 years. He came to live with me because he had nowhere else to go. After 11 years addiction to ice, his gums were rotten & his teeth were in a bad state of decay. When not using ice, he has the most beautiful soul. But when he is lonely (I travel home which is 1100km away every few weekends), he uses ice & goes missing for days on end. He has been in rehab twice but checked himself out the first time as he was bored & the second time, he used ice. I regret getting involved with him. It’s an endless cycle of lies, aggression, a complete inability to take care of himself, constant unfaithfulness when on ice which he denies despite contracting STIs. It feels like I am his hostage. He has social anxiety but won’t go see a doctor to get properly medicated. He complains about his toothache & his breath is necrotic but he won’t get his teeth pulled out. I have decided that to break the cycle, the best thing I can do to help him is to let him become homeless. If I am forever his crutch, he will also be leaning on me. He needs to fall in order to rise. If he goes to jail, as he’s not going to rehab, it might finally get him clean. Meanwhile, I will be burning the bridge & continuing on with my life. You only get one life. Don’t let your loved one on ice ruin your life as well as their own. Don’t be their crutch. Be the door that closes on them so are forced to open a new door to a better life.
Hi I need help my son 32 is an ice addict I know he needs to want the help but it’s coming to a stage where I am fearing my safety or his can’t I get him put into some kind of rehab he is either going to end up dead or prison please I’m desperate
My 46 year old daughter was always a sensitive child and grew up in a world she struggled to fit into. She went off the rails 13 years ago after finally having a child, then started having an affair which led yo nightclubs and drugs.
Things went quickly from bad to worse and she became addicted to anything and everything. She lost her child, her husband her job, car, home and now her family. I’m the only one left but I’m hanging by a thread emotionally.
My family and I have supported in looking for help and rehab for years. She wants her life back but is powerless to do anything.
She is virtually homeless, lives in poverty and has lost everything including her self esteem. I’m her only living parent and live a long way away so she has no support emotionally as she’s lost too many people.
I’ve watched my beautifully nature girl turn into a disaster. She’s no longer there, ,this evil drug has taken my daughter away.
One of the worst parts of this is the damage it’s down to all of our family.
I need support to learn strategies to cope in my own life and decided I have to let go of her and all she has left. This is beyond heartbreaking!
Where can I go to get support and understanding of how to cope myself and be there for the rest of my family in Victoria?
I’ve been told that I’m neglecting my other adult children and my grandchildren because of her…From their point of view they are probably right, but its hard to let go of my girl..
What can I do to come?
I totally feel I totally understand exactly where you’re coming from I have a 23 year old son who is addicted to ice he’d got clean for a couple of months and his back using again he has a son that doesn’t even know who we is anymore he’s like a stranger to him his unpredictable moody lashes out his unbelievably aggressive doesn’t know how to think logically he’s paranoid and always tired I have another daughter and to other grandchildren and it’s time consuming he has consumed majority of my time thoughts which takes away from my other family members my partner and I don’t spend much time together when we do I’m just exhausted cranky and tired ice is the most destructive drug I’ve seen it just Lewis them in and snatches them away from families and friends and there’s nothing that anybody can do about it it is such a heartbreaking road to go down it’s heartbreaking to watch someone you love turning to someone you don’t even know.
There’s not a lot of organisations I don’t even know any that can help you. Atodds isn’t that great all they do really is educate you on the side effects of using methamphetamines.
Sorry I was using talk to text.
“He’s” not “his”
I am 40 this year and my husband of 20 years will also be 40. For the length of our r’ship he has battled with Ice. He was clean 5 years this year and relapsed 2 months ago. Disappears for weeks on end, spent 3500 in 4 days, lies lies and then some. We have 3 kids, 16,14,11. I love myself and children more and know I cannot win the fight against this devil drug.
My husband, is beautiful, smart and loving – he has disappeared before our eyes. Tonight I had to make the horrible decision to put an order on him for the threats and abuse over text msg. It’s just cruel.
I will never accept it or normalise it, it’s embedded in our families and communities across the country.
The guilt and blame for not allowing him to walk back in the door and pretend that nothing has happened is mind blowing.
Sad to say but so relieved to know I’m not going crazy and I shouldn’t doubt protecting myself, my babies and our safe space ( home)
He is homeless now, lost his business and I don’t know if we will ever get him back again.
GJ thanks for you post. I hear and understand what u r saying.
It’s so painful to have to push away someone you love so much, as i have my daughter. My stomach churns every time I think of her. She’s still my girl and I sort of hate myself for turning her away. What sort of mother would do this? The guilt, the Shane is soul destroying.
I can only imagine how much you & your kids are hurting, but you need to protect them.
Sending love your way, no we can’t win this battle with this horrible drug, we have to live through it just one day at a time.
God bless you xx
The most annoying part is that the rehab facilities leave it to the addict to stay or leave . Our family member has been trying to quit , goes to rehab , stays for 2 days , leaves once it gets hard and they let him go while we have no power . This is insane ..
He has gone from a millionaire to homeless .
I am the mother of a 51 year old ice addict with a heart problem and severe depression. I look after my 96 year old mother. His aggression and violence is becoming too much where I’m scared for my life. I don’t know where to turn as I fear anything will make matters worse. He denies using it and blames me for all the bad luck in his life.
My son is 34 years old several years ago got hooked on ice been iiin a mental institution prison
Backin a mental facility this nightmare never ends as pareñts we are lost watching our son kill himself and are helpless
Completely relate. It’s a horrible, nasty, seemingly endless merry-go-round that is devastating to watch.
My son, 29 yrs, spiralling ever downwards. Psych wards, prison, schizophrenia diagnosis, hundreds of thousands of dollars gone, everything gone.
This year I had to take action to start living my life again, the guilt associated with that decision regularly rears its ugly head. I pay for therapy to help remind myself, he is the master of his own destiny and, that all of my previous attempts at trying to save him from himself did not save him. I have had to let go for my own safety, psychological as well as physical. I don’t think I’ve really properly grieved that loss yet.
Addiction is a wicked disease and ice seems to be one of the most wicked drugs to become addicted to.
I’m so sad for all the beautiful life moments my son, that I love so fiercely, has missed.