Parenthood is a daunting experience for many new mums and dads. As parents embark on this significant life transition and the physical and emotional challenges it brings, understanding their baby from the earliest moments is important in making the transition to parenthood as positive and joyful as possible. Responding to the needs of children and families at the earliest opportunity has long been recognised as the means of setting children and their families on a path to holistic wellbeing. For one Brisbane based child and family practitioner, quality responses to the needs of children and families has been his life work and passion.
Neil Alcorn is a child and family worker who has dedicated more than 30 years of his professional life to working with children and families. Neil is also committed to supporting those who work across various roles in the child and family support sector. Neil worked at the Mater Children’s Hospital for 20 years and is now with Queensland Health. His current role is Senior Social Worker, Children’s Health Queensland (CHQ), Child and Youth Mental Health Services (CYMHS). His career began in the 1980s when he worked for the then Department of Children’s Services in Gladstone. Neil’s decades of work and observations as well as his Masters in Mental Health (Infant) culminated in the creation of his book entitled What’s Your Baby Thinking? Understanding and delighting in your very little person. A resource aimed to benefit children, parents and practitioners alike.
“Many parents believe that their babies are born a blank slate and it’s months or years before they develop capacity to interact in a way that we as adults recognise. As such, their emotional lives are often not understood. We know that when a baby is born he or she is really already 9 months old,” says Neil. “Through my work and study, I was finding some really interesting information about just how tuned in babies are to our emotional states and just how much they want relationships with the important people around them. I thought that parents understanding this might shift their thoughts and perspectives about how much their babies need and want them.”
Neil recognises that many parents who seek assistance from child and family support services are experiencing multiple difficulties and often lack confidence in their ability to parent. “So many parents I’ve worked with feel like they are the problem and as such don’t realise the extent to which they are wanted and needed by their babies. Babies are ‘geared up’ to have a relationship and to have their needs met by their primary care giver. I hope that sharing this research will assist parents in feeling closer to their babies through truly understanding their needs. I’m confident that it will also be a user-friendly resource to further practitioners’ wisdom.”
Over the years Neil has become aware that whilst there is significant focus on babies in terms of their milestones, those milestones are focused on physical development rather than acknowledging what babies are experiencing and observing: “All of the baby’s senses such as hearing, vision and touch, as well as a large percentage of their brain are geared up for watching other people and for understanding their intentions and making connections. They have a remarkable array of strategies that are targeted towards trying to form a relationship. It is important to focus on the developmental stages such as rolling, sitting, crawling and walking. However, their first and most fundamental milestone is to form a relationship and make a connection – that is what they most need and want.”
Neil outlines that the good news for parents and carers is that babies are very patient as the adults grapple with getting to know their littlest family members: “We don’t always have to get it right, we don’t even have to get it right half the time. We just need to keep trying to get closer to ‘right’ the next time. Babies are very good at capitalising on the goodness in their environment. When we feel we’ve misunderstood them or missed opportunities for connection – they will keep on trying and the message for parents is for them to keep trying too.“
“If we attribute to babies a having a rich emotional life, they are more likely to grow a rich emotional life. Babies are capable of a wide range of emotions and experiences. Our role is to assist them in this development from the beginning. Conversely, if we assume that babies can’t experience emotions and express themselves then their emotions will be thwarted and delayed in terms of their own emotional experiences and those of others around them.”
Neil’s core advice for parents and those working with parents and babies is to look out for signs of connection from the baby. If the worker has the knowledge, they can point out the signs to the parents and assist them in seeing their baby differently. “Babies are wired for connection and they have extraordinary capacity to connect. The more parents understand this the closer they feel to their babies. For example, eye contact is essential to a baby for brain development and relationship formation. It is exciting for a baby when they gaze into their parent’s eyes. They might need to look away and take a rest. We know that a baby’s heart rate speeds up in the 5 seconds before they look away and then slows down as they are ready to look into their parent’s eyes again. When working with families with self-doubt regarding their capacity as parents, a baby looking away can be interpreted negatively. However, the reality is to the contrary. Simply gently pointing this fact out might assist parents in understanding their baby a little more,” states Neil.
In tapping into the power of connection, Neil’s next message is to be a keen observer of the baby – to watch, learn and wonder and follow the baby’s lead. It might be helpful to talk to someone too about what is going on as each parent gets to know their baby. Neil also encourages parents to have a unique relationship with each child.
In the case of babies who experience distress and present as avoidant, Neil suggests to stay put with baby, and know that whilst baby may look away from the parent or carer, they will more likely return if we are patient. For parents, staying still, waiting and then responding is key.
This resource is aimed at reaching a wide array of readers across the community and offers clear, fun facts. These include messages from baby to mum and dad such as:
- I can smell you from 6 metres away
- My brain is the most complex and incredible structure known on earth
- I can respond to you at the speed of almost one twelfth of a second
- At six weeks I can remember a stranger from the day before
Neil notes that his reasoning for staying in this line of work as well as writing this book are the same. “I think it’s the hope that comes from working in this area and the joy of working with children and families. In particular, it’s the hope that comes from working with people early enough to ensure that we have the greatest opportunity to make a difference. We get the best value from intervening early – at birth or, in fact, during pregnancy. I love the playfulness and the joy of the work as well as the openness that comes with change and working with families.”
Neil spoke of his respect and admiration for all those who work in the child and family arena and in far more challenging settings than he. He notes that so many do such great work in situations that are at times fraught. He sees his book as a simple offering “to give parents and workers one small thing that may make a difference in their roles.”
His final message to parents and workers is also simple: “babies know their parents well. They simply want to be connected to their parents and if this isn’t possible then to someone else who is devoted to them. We just need to slow down and go with the baby, be better observers and enjoy the waiting and wonder.”
Neil Acorn’s What’s Your Baby Thinking? book launch was held at Riverbend Books on Wednesday 27th February 2019.
For more information contact Neil Alcorn by email and check out the What’s Your Baby Thinking? Facebook page.